The Apprentice

Donald Trump is a mockery to millionaires

By Cornelius T. Moneybags III

From my masseuse, chauffer, and manservant, I’ve been hearing quiet a bit of chatter regarding this reality TV show called The Apprentice. Although I consider watching television beneath me, as it is a trait of the lower classes, I was appalled to learn that The Apprentice revolves around fellow millionaire, Donald Trump.

Before you begin to assume that Donald Trump is a prototypical modern millionaire, I have to proclaim that this couldn’t be further from the truth. It makes me want to spit on my golden shoes in disgust to even consider that such a tawdry fellow could ever be a millionaire. As a fellow spawn of a millionaire, I understand the obligations of being born with a silver (or in my case, gold) spoon in your mouth. It is a difficult life being a millionaire, and there is a certain set of obligations that one must follow.

Unfortunately, Mr. Trump seems to revel in his behavior.  Attempting to be the bad boy of millionaires, Mr. Trump is breaking the sacred code of millionaires.  According to my personal grocery shopper, the appeal of Mr. Trump (or ’The Donald’ as apparently wants to be known as) on The Apprentice is that he appears to be a populist.  As Rico says, ”He’s just like one of us if we had millions!”  After firing Rico, I must say that I am still in a state of shock and, dare I say, bewilderment over such a notion.  A millionaire as a populist!  Ghastly!

Although I prefer to watch a Shakespearean play within my own private playhouse, I had to watch this abomination, The Apprentice.  I have to say that I was appalled and my eyes couldn’t believe what they saw.  I fainted thrice within the course of one episode due to the horrific example that Mr. Trump is setting on this trashy, tawdry show.

Choosing a future employee through a television show?  How preposterous!  First of all, I am confused by this apparently modern notion that the spawn of millionaires are working.  This is pure blasphemy, as Mr. Trump should follow the example of other millionaires like myself by spending his day within a cryogenic chamber in an effort to defeat Father Time.  Additionally, televising a part of your life so the world can see?  This is acceptable if this show was similar to Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, but Mr. Trump seems intent on letting the rest of the country view his disgraceful actions.  Even more shocking than this admission to a slovenly millionaire lifestyle, people seem to actually enjoy this show, preposterous as that may seem.

If I were the type of person to take action, I would strongly recommend a boycott of The Apprentice.  However, as I am currently engaged in being fed grapes by a consortium of Swedish cheerleaders while reciting these words to my personal typist, Paco, I must say that hopefully these words will spread.  America, you must realize that you need us millionaires to lord over you with our spectacular manners and our aristocratic actions.  You need us as an example of what you cannot possibly be.  You must also realize that Donald Trump and The Apprentice is destroying the visage of millionaires and you must demand a stop to this, now!

About the author:

Cornelius T. Moneybags III is the child of Cornelius T. Moneybags II and Helena St. Troy.  Born into riches, Cornelius or Mr. Moneybags spends his days swimming in his large money pit.  His heroes are Scrooge McDuck, Louis XIV, and Tom Hanks.