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Lindsay Lohan: From Mean Girl to Mean Girl?

When Lindsay Lohan first emerged onto the celebrity circuit, she was supposed to be a singer and actress. She released albums like Speak and starred in movies like Mean Girls and The Parent Trap. The fact that Lindsay Lohan was a teenager, and something of a hottie-in-progress, earned her an automatic in to the teen dream set, and soon she joined the rank of fellow teen temptresses Hilary Duff, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, gracing the screensavers of curious teens and wistful twenty-something men alike.

Nowadays, does anyone even remember the lyrics to Rumor or even the cover of Speak? Probably not. Does anyone remember the plot of Mean Girls? Maybe, but that’s only because the much-loved Lacey Charbet was in it, making it an overall not-bad movie. No, what this sleek young starlet is most famous for nowadays is not her vocal range or her ability to act, but for her alarming penchant for substance abuse.  Lindsay Lohan fan club websites are hard-pressed to find photos of the diva-in-training sober. In the past year and a half, Lindsay Lohan has been photographed time and again falling out of nightclubs, drunk. These photos, while meant to boost tabloid magazine sales figures, are actually a testament to the injustice of life and the frailty of the U.S. legal system. It seems that point in the law about needing to be twenty-one to enter a nightclub doesn’t apply if you’re famous. Younger fans of Lindsay Lohan take this as yet another sign that Lindsay Lohan is cool and dream of the day when they, too, will be important enough to bypass the I.D. check at the front door. Older people who don’t really care about Lindsay Lohan, meanwhile, fume at these photos, remembering all the driver’s licenses they had to steal and fake birth dates and zip codes they had to memorize just to have the same privileges Lindsay Lohan gets for being herself.

But enough bitterness. There’s actually a dark side to Lindsay Lohan’s luck. Rumors have it that Lindsay Lohan is more than just a star who likes to party; Lindsay Lohan is actually an alcoholic. Nobody is really sure exactly who started this rumor, but many speculate it had something to do with her talent for getting into car crashes or her close friendships with notorious party girls Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.  Lindsay Lohan herself adamantly denies being an alcoholic. Interestingly, though, she’s been enrolled in Alcoholics Anonymous for the past year, and has just finished up a stint at a rehab center, ironically named Wonderland. Either she’s hypocritical, just plain confused, or climbing those twelve steps very, very slowly.

Recently, Lindsay Lohan has been getting upstaged in the media by the one person a girl would never expect to steal her thunder: her mom. Let’s face it: these days, a young starlet getting hammered and flashing photographers isn’t really all that big a deal. Her mom getting in on the action, however, is. Former rockette Dina Lohan is the unofficial reigning figure in the unofficial Creepy Parent Managers of Young Pop Princesses Club. Until recently, this organization was presided over by Joe Simpson, the man famous for forcing his daughter, Jessica Simpson, to allow her entire marriage to hot has-been Nick Lachey to be caught on camera in the MTV megahit Newlyweds. Joe Simpson lost credibility when Jessica Simpson shut him out of her new romance with singer/songwriter/heartthrob John Mayer. However, Dina Lohan was on hand to happily take over the top spot.

Dina Lohan is not a total stranger to celebrity. She was once a rockette and an actress herself. Nowadays, she’s known not only for her famous daughter, but also for her exceptionally well-crafted Botox lips. Dina Lohan’s parents were no doubt happy when she married Michael Lohan; the man was rich, thanks to having inherited Grandpa Lohan’s pasta business, and successful, briefly serving as the President of New York Future Traders. How Lindsay Lohan’s maternal grandparents reacted to their son-in-law getting busted and doing time for securities fraud has not been publicly documented. But Dina Lohan held on to her own, working as a Wall Street analyst until she realized her daughter’s celebrity potential and began managing Lindsay Lohan’s career, seeing her through television acting gigs dating back to her childhood. 

Let’s get back to the present-day Lohan family drama. At first glance, Dina Lohan is the kind of mother you dreamed of having when you’re fifteen. Not only does she get and keep you famous, but she also buys you cigarettes and defends your boozehound behavior as a normal part of growing up. She’s just a 20-year-old who had to reel it in, Dina Lohan said casually when it was suggested that her daughter might have serious problems. Is Dina Lohan cool, or what?

To be fair, Dina Lohan does admit that Lindsay Lohan is genetically predisposed to an addictive personality.

Dina Lohan claimed she suspected trouble of the rehab-stint variety was in the charts for Lindsay Lohan, and to her credit, she DID try to warn Lindsay Lohan about her impending fall. In what we imagine to be an eighties-sitcom moment complete with elevator music pinging softly in the background, Lindsay Lohan told Dina: Mom, I have to do this myself. We imagine the two hugging; we imagine soft tears slipping down cheeks and I love yous being exchanged. And, when Lindsay Lohan was finally carted off to Wonderland Rehab Centre, we imagine Dina Lohan proudly waving a handkerchief, thinking, That’s my baby. All grown up.

Dina Lohan loathes the label party mom, an unfair label she claimed was first coined by her treacherous ex-husband. According to Dina Lohan, it was Lindsay Lohan’s idea that mom go out clubbing with her. Apparently, Lindsay Lohan just wanted to introduce her mom to some people, but we can’t help but consider other theories: did Lindsay Lohan just want someone trustworthy of legal age around to buy her tequila shots? Or do Lindsay Lohan and Dina Lohan have, in a twisted sort of way, one of the sweetest mother-daughter relationships since the Gilmore Girls?

Still, Dina Lohan can’t help but smugly brag to the likes of Harper Bazaar that she’s living the American dream, or that she can button it and clip it despite being in her 40s. Hmmm… there’s an image we really didn’t need, and probably shouldn’t have put in all of your heads, either. Let’s move away from Dina Lohan’s body and talk instead about Lindsay Lohan’s. You’d expect something like Lindsay lohan nude to get millions of hits on the internet, and it probably does, but the funny thing is, you’d be quite likely to find pictures of Lindsay lohan nude if you just simply searched her name. That’s because Lindsay Lohan has a habit of getting drunk, lifting her skirt or wearing an unbuttoned blouse despite the fact that there appears to be no bra underneath.

So, is Lindsay Lohan a lost cause? Many would beg to differ. At the top of this list is, you guessed it, Dina Lohan. In Mommy Lohan’s opinion, Lindsay Lohan is just a modern-day Princess Diana, robbed of privacy by herds of heartless paparazzi. By the way, did you catch that paragraph on Lindsay Lohan’s numerous charity efforts? That’s because we didn’t write one. The closest thing to humanitarian aid that Lindsay Lohan’s ever come has been making a whole slew of sleazy rich L.A. nightlclub owners even richer.

And, by the way, the Lindsay Lohan/Dina Lohan drama is more than just celebrity smut. It’s an actual phenomenon in psychology. Situations where a mother stops being a mother and starts being more of a cool big sister (or, as Dina Lohan likes to call it, assistant), are surefire routes to disaster, leading to guilt and  jealousy on the part of both parties. Daughters think their moms are cool and supportive, but little do they know that mom is simply living out her own unfulfilled fantasies vicariously through you.  (Did we mention that all four of Dina Lohan’s children are in show business?) And, really, as much as we all may have liked our parents to come home and surprise us with a six-pack of beer when we scored well on our report cards back in high school, by the time we were old enough to know better, most of us were quite happy that our parents had stuck firmly to their role-model roles.

So, now that Lindsay Lohan’s stint in Wonderland is over, and has been since mid-February, how exactly is Lindsay Lohan doing? Why, she’s celebrating her graduation, of course—by spending night after night in nightclubs. And just because she’s been seen hiding alcohol in water bottles doesn’t mean she’s back on the wagon or anything.

What about the men in Lindsay’s life? Her dad just got out of prison. All we know about him was that she gave security a photo of him and told them to keep him away. Lindsay Lohan appears to be looking for a replacement daddy, however. The Britophile is rumored to currently have crushes several thirty-something British stars, most notably Jude Law, James Blunt and Robbie Williams. Which crush will materialize? Call us crazy, but we’re putting our money on Robbie.