Your Seat
Where you are sitting can
mean the difference between a good light and a nightmarish aerial circus of
pain and discomfort. If you are flying with loved ones this can make a huge difference. Firstly you’ll know that you won’t have some
gross stranger talking to you or touching you.
It also means that you’ll have someone who can assuage your fears if
things get choppy.
If you have long legs, it
always helps to get an aisle seat, so you can stretch out. If you are close to
the rest rooms, it means there will be a high amount of traffic coming and
going around you. This could hurt your
chances of getting any sleep.
Lastly, if you are seated
close to an emergency exit it means you have some special responsibilities. For instance, if there are any problems you
may be required to open the door to let people out. But this only really is an issue if all of the flight attendants
are suck out an airlock or something, and let’s face it, that’s not very likely.
Drugs
Whether prescription or
otherwise, drugs are a great way of making your flight more enjoyable. I’m not saying your should drop acid, or eat
a pile of hallucinogenic mushroom before you get on a plane (that could be
really ugly). But, a small joint or
some hash might help you relax a little bit…just watch out for those drug-sniffing
dogs.
Prescription drugs like
Ativan or Quaaludes can be the perfect sedative for a flight, they’ll let you
slip into a comfy dream world where all the world’s anxiety will just slip away
into a cloudy haze. Just be sure you get them from your pharmacist.
Alcohol
There is a really good
reason they give people booze on flights, and it’s not to spark an impromptu
scene recreation from the movie Soul Plane.
Booze will put you to sleep like a baby. Not only that but the high altitude means that the effects of the
booze will quite effective so you’ll get drunk right fast and right quick.
The major problem with booze
however is that while it gets you drunk twice as fast, it also gets you
un-drunk twice as fast and the resulting hang-over can be devastating, and may
even out a damper on the beginning of your trip.
It also really sucks when
you wake up with a pounding headache and you realize you are in a country where
you can’t speak the language, everything is complicated and you have to get
your ass to the hotel. So, drink with
caution and you should be fine.
Entertainment
We all know that flights
supply some measure of entertainment.
We also know that this entertainment can be 5 different kinds of
brutal. If you want to shell out $5 for
headphones just so you can watch Tracey Morgan in Ghost Dad II, that’s your prerogative.
My suggestion would be to
bring plenty of books, magazines and of course your MP3 player or MiniDisc. This
will help you pass the time. A friend
of mine likes to budget his material through the flight, so he knows that when
he gets to chapter 34 in a book or if he makes it to his fourth CD the flight
should be almost over. You’ll be
surprised at how fast this method passes the time.
Your Clothing
The last thing you want is
to be stuck on a flight wearing tight leather pants and flip-flops (well, let
me rephrase, the last thing you’d ever want period is to wear tight leather
pants and flip flops). During a long
flight, you own clothing will seem like a synthetic prison.
Be sure to wear loose comfy
clothes made out of natural material. These will breathe and avoid the
uncomfortable phenomenon I like to call groin swamp.
You should also layer your
clothing. Because the plane will be
taking you from a possible snowy ground, to a freezing sky, to a warm ocean
breeze then to a blazing hot tarmac, you’ll want clothes that can handle all of
these environments.
Food
Ah airline food. So many jokes, so few of them funny. Airline food is what it is and that’s
that. If you are a vegetarian be sure
to let the staff know and if you have special dietary considerations due to
your faith, or lifestyle the staff will be more than happy to help. But, if you complain or throw a tantrum, you
are part of the problem, and don’t be surprised if an irritated passenger yell’s
’Let’s Roll’ and you find yourself tumbling 30,000 feet to your much deserved
fate.
My (non homicidal) suggestion
is to bring your own food. You know
what you like to eat, so just bring that.
You’ll be doing yourself a favor and you’ll make new friends by dolling
out the constituent parts of your in-flight meal to those who you deem worthy.