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America is a lousy life coach
By Carpenter Newman
Recently, the FX Network debuted its great big hope to succeed within the barren landscape that is the reality TV industry. Hoping to succeed where others have failed, Todd TV follows the adventures of Todd Santos, a 30-year old California waiter that is a pretty big loser. Considering how many losers have popped up within the world of reality television, this may seem to be a small claim. However, the FX Network has managed to parlay this into a major plot line.
Essentially taking the cautionary moral of the Jim Carrey movie, The Truman Show, and flipping it to a feel-good time, Todd TV finds Todd Santos at a particularly desperate point in his life. Lamenting his general loserness and wanting to escape the shallow existence that is his life, Todd has empowered the FX Network to let its small but dedicated following/viewers to make all of the major decisions in his life. As a result, Todd TV allows its viewers to decide important aspects of Todd’s life, such as: where he works, whom he dates, where he lives, and whom he lives with.
As a result, Todd TV really gives its viewers something extra for their dedication. Viewers get to contribute to Todd’s life and get to watch the consequences of their decisions. I’m sure this may seem ingenious to you, although the decision to give Todd a job as former Poison singer, Brett Michaels’ assistant was a stroke of genius, but unfortunately this has happened all before … to ME!
The year was 1995 and I had recently broken up with my girlfriend of six years, Belinda. Heartbroken, confused, and directionless, I decided to secede all decision making powers of my life and gave it to you, the people of America. And let’s make it really clear: YOU dropped the ball, all of you, America!
As my life coach, the people of America really didn’t seem to have my best interests at heart. There was the time America decided that the best way to get over Belinda would be to go on a two month binge in Tijuana. Sure, it was a great time and I’m sure I would have great memories if I could have remembered any of that time. All, I know is that I woke up and still felt empty inside. Thanks a lot America: that was really great of you.
But there’s more, there was the time that America decided that I should confront my fear of heights by going skydiving. Sure, I can understand why America would have found this a logical decision, but your insistence to go through with this despite my not being able to pay for it led to two broken legs! Thanks a lot, America. Thanks a lot.
Although I didn’t have the fancy cameras following me around like Todd Santos, I can still attest that the four years that America was my life coach was a complete waste. Maybe the presence of cameras will make America a little bit more accountable and think a little bit more about the consequences of their decisions. Whether it does or not, I don’t care because we’re through America. I’m happy with Spain as my life coach and there’s nothing that you can do about it!
About the author:
Carpenter Newman has had a poor history of making decisions independently. As a result, Carpenter has gone through a variety of stints of handing out power to his life to a number of nation-states. Although America was indeed Carpenter’s first life coach, unfortunately, the country was going through a recession at the time and the government bureau in charge of making Carpenter’s decision became seriously underfunded. After brief flings with Britain, Russia, and Cuba as his life coaches, Carpenter is now happy with his relationship to Spain. They’re celebrating their two year anniversary next Thursday.